Chapter:2 - Confessions of a Drugged Mind

Finished the joint, the last drag really hit the roof. "Comfortably numb" as Roger Waters puts it, I got back into the car and hit the road. This was the usual routine too, stopping to light up a joint and continuing the drive. Crazy you might want to term it, but for me it just helps to take my mind off things and bring the much needed calm to the nerves.

The traffic ahead with all the lights now bloomed into multi-dimensional colourful patterns. Its was just the weed acting on me, this made the drive more enjoyable. Morbid thoughts entered and left at the same moment. The temptation to drive over the edge seemingly siezed me, but
was able to bring it under control.

"beep,beep,beep...." "damn!" that was my phone,"yeah", "hey Sahil, whore!! wassup man, where are ya??" this was an old aquaintence of mine Ajay, one of the few guys who let me be when I wanted my space, and now, he sounded equally stoned."Doing just great man!, am still in the office!" usual lie to cut short the conversation. "Fuck the goddamn office dude, come over to my place, the guys are here and remember Deepak he is back from UK and he got neat shit liqour!"
Another party another day of hangover and promises to myself never to drink again, not today. Today is my day."No AJ, I guess I will pass, listen am on my way to the meeting, will catchya later!""As usual 'ho get a goddamn life!" He hung up, typical him.

My body aches, 6 years is a long time, time where I realised that i gotto fight on my own.Sometimes I feel too long. I look back and see that, though I have been walking non-stop, I don't seem to have covered much distance. I have been walking in circles, I guess. It could
also be the size of the room I am walking in, of course. Why am I even here?What do I get out of walking about so much other than developing acute claustrophobia? Its silly, really. I know I can open that stupid door and breathe fresh air. I know I can walk outside and achieve so much more. I know I can remove the crabby look of unnecessary concentration on my face and replace it with a happy smile. I know I can do that. I just have to focus on walking to that door. Didn't I just say that the room was small? Why does the door seem so far away? Its all in my mind, I know. I am trying so hard to balance myself and yet, I don't seem to be doing so well. Or is it that because expectations are so high, even the smallest mis-step seems like a colossal blunder? Are we losing our perspective here?Maybe its because of the eggshells on the floor. Or maybe it's just me.

This will end today, it can be stopped, the boredom, the eternal questions, the seemingly endless chase in a circular room and trying to find the answers in a corner that does not exist. Its not the troubles or hurdles which made me come by this decision. Its just the sheer pointless existance which always has the predictble end.

Its the weed speaking, as always the random thoughts which make sense at the same time strip out the reasoning, perhaps we live our entire lives trying to maintain our equilibriums, equilibrium in our relationships, where you have forgiven the past sins and not pre-occupied with the fear of current one being committed.Equilibrium at our workplace where you hope your past performance will serve you well and your current projects will keep you from getting fired.Equilibrium in our financial security, where you have come to terms with your past poverty and hope the current reserveswill carry you good for couple more years. It seems we keep yearning for that peace of mind, settled feeling; like the calmness and beauty of vastness of ice in Alaska you saw last week in Discovery channel!! Until that happens, a part of your brain remains in siege of the problem. Your Life is on hold, you are incapable of enjoying and experiencing even the good things that happen in the interim because there is a bigger problem still lurking at the back of your mind.How to maintain the darn "Equilibrium"?

Finally reached my lonely pad, my apartment. The watchman was sleeping as usual and I had to open the gate myself, no point in waking up others by honking my car horn. I hate the damn
music in the lift, the same draby tune of Mozart who would trun over in his grave if he heard it, which now sounded really loud owing to the silence of the night.I was a little sober now, opened the door and turned on the lights, can hear the rat running among the dishes as it scurrys across the kitchen platform.

I tried setting up the rat trap when I first noticed it, but gave it up as it seemed clever enough not to fall for it, an in my opinion its a shame to kill something intelligent.Cliche' when you come to think about it. So, here I am in my apartment which shall be my last abode.

Thoughts formed in my head, what will happen when my maid discovers my body the next morning. Its funny actually how we call a person by name all his life and once he dies he immediately becomes another "body". No longer will even his loved ones in the
remorse will refer to him by his name,"Lets move the body!" "So, where is the "body" being
cremated!"
It just becomes one of the widely accepted hipocrasies, and soon enough time the greatest healer will wipe out the memories of the person until he is nothing more than just a picture on the wall or an old family album.

Wondered how I should go about doing it, I have decided to hang myself and also bought a bright yellow nylon rope which seemed sturdy enough to hold my 76kgs of weight. Now, I am having doubts it the goddamn fan on the ceiling would hold up, it would involve a lot of embrassing questions if the fan just buckles under my weight and knocks me out cold.

Hit upon another idea of dropping in the micowave in the bathtub and turning it on, but I know that way would be painful and would not kill instantly so trashed that idea too.
Slitting my wrist, now that sounds like it would work. So, voila I guess that would really do, if only I can manage it properly.When I have decided to end my life I knew I need to let the
people know why I came by this decision, hate the idea of leaving my loved ones without a reason.

This brought up another question, should I write a long letter explaining myself or should it be by e-mail, absurd as it sounds. Finally decided to go with the old fashioned letter. Took up the pen and sat down on the office stationary which was in plenty around the house, one more advertising media for my company, come to think of it.