Chapter:2 - Confessions of a Drugged Mind

Finished the joint, the last drag really hit the roof. "Comfortably numb" as Roger Waters puts it, I got back into the car and hit the road. This was the usual routine too, stopping to light up a joint and continuing the drive. Crazy you might want to term it, but for me it just helps to take my mind off things and bring the much needed calm to the nerves.

The traffic ahead with all the lights now bloomed into multi-dimensional colourful patterns. Its was just the weed acting on me, this made the drive more enjoyable. Morbid thoughts entered and left at the same moment. The temptation to drive over the edge seemingly siezed me, but
was able to bring it under control.

"beep,beep,beep...." "damn!" that was my phone,"yeah", "hey Sahil, whore!! wassup man, where are ya??" this was an old aquaintence of mine Ajay, one of the few guys who let me be when I wanted my space, and now, he sounded equally stoned."Doing just great man!, am still in the office!" usual lie to cut short the conversation. "Fuck the goddamn office dude, come over to my place, the guys are here and remember Deepak he is back from UK and he got neat shit liqour!"
Another party another day of hangover and promises to myself never to drink again, not today. Today is my day."No AJ, I guess I will pass, listen am on my way to the meeting, will catchya later!""As usual 'ho get a goddamn life!" He hung up, typical him.

My body aches, 6 years is a long time, time where I realised that i gotto fight on my own.Sometimes I feel too long. I look back and see that, though I have been walking non-stop, I don't seem to have covered much distance. I have been walking in circles, I guess. It could
also be the size of the room I am walking in, of course. Why am I even here?What do I get out of walking about so much other than developing acute claustrophobia? Its silly, really. I know I can open that stupid door and breathe fresh air. I know I can walk outside and achieve so much more. I know I can remove the crabby look of unnecessary concentration on my face and replace it with a happy smile. I know I can do that. I just have to focus on walking to that door. Didn't I just say that the room was small? Why does the door seem so far away? Its all in my mind, I know. I am trying so hard to balance myself and yet, I don't seem to be doing so well. Or is it that because expectations are so high, even the smallest mis-step seems like a colossal blunder? Are we losing our perspective here?Maybe its because of the eggshells on the floor. Or maybe it's just me.

This will end today, it can be stopped, the boredom, the eternal questions, the seemingly endless chase in a circular room and trying to find the answers in a corner that does not exist. Its not the troubles or hurdles which made me come by this decision. Its just the sheer pointless existance which always has the predictble end.

Its the weed speaking, as always the random thoughts which make sense at the same time strip out the reasoning, perhaps we live our entire lives trying to maintain our equilibriums, equilibrium in our relationships, where you have forgiven the past sins and not pre-occupied with the fear of current one being committed.Equilibrium at our workplace where you hope your past performance will serve you well and your current projects will keep you from getting fired.Equilibrium in our financial security, where you have come to terms with your past poverty and hope the current reserveswill carry you good for couple more years. It seems we keep yearning for that peace of mind, settled feeling; like the calmness and beauty of vastness of ice in Alaska you saw last week in Discovery channel!! Until that happens, a part of your brain remains in siege of the problem. Your Life is on hold, you are incapable of enjoying and experiencing even the good things that happen in the interim because there is a bigger problem still lurking at the back of your mind.How to maintain the darn "Equilibrium"?

Finally reached my lonely pad, my apartment. The watchman was sleeping as usual and I had to open the gate myself, no point in waking up others by honking my car horn. I hate the damn
music in the lift, the same draby tune of Mozart who would trun over in his grave if he heard it, which now sounded really loud owing to the silence of the night.I was a little sober now, opened the door and turned on the lights, can hear the rat running among the dishes as it scurrys across the kitchen platform.

I tried setting up the rat trap when I first noticed it, but gave it up as it seemed clever enough not to fall for it, an in my opinion its a shame to kill something intelligent.Cliche' when you come to think about it. So, here I am in my apartment which shall be my last abode.

Thoughts formed in my head, what will happen when my maid discovers my body the next morning. Its funny actually how we call a person by name all his life and once he dies he immediately becomes another "body". No longer will even his loved ones in the
remorse will refer to him by his name,"Lets move the body!" "So, where is the "body" being
cremated!"
It just becomes one of the widely accepted hipocrasies, and soon enough time the greatest healer will wipe out the memories of the person until he is nothing more than just a picture on the wall or an old family album.

Wondered how I should go about doing it, I have decided to hang myself and also bought a bright yellow nylon rope which seemed sturdy enough to hold my 76kgs of weight. Now, I am having doubts it the goddamn fan on the ceiling would hold up, it would involve a lot of embrassing questions if the fan just buckles under my weight and knocks me out cold.

Hit upon another idea of dropping in the micowave in the bathtub and turning it on, but I know that way would be painful and would not kill instantly so trashed that idea too.
Slitting my wrist, now that sounds like it would work. So, voila I guess that would really do, if only I can manage it properly.When I have decided to end my life I knew I need to let the
people know why I came by this decision, hate the idea of leaving my loved ones without a reason.

This brought up another question, should I write a long letter explaining myself or should it be by e-mail, absurd as it sounds. Finally decided to go with the old fashioned letter. Took up the pen and sat down on the office stationary which was in plenty around the house, one more advertising media for my company, come to think of it.

Chapter 1: Me, Myself and I

"Sahil, do you have that presentation ready for BCP with client tonight?" damn the man he never misses a beat to corner me, it was my manager. The huge hulk of a guy with surprisingly tiny palms and a brow ever creased in a perpetual frown."yes Dutta I do, we might need to cut this one a little tight owing to the productivity issues, the last module release is littered with bugs and we had to recall and revamp the code."Just another day with this Corporate concubine, been here for the last 6years and hopefully not anymore if things go my way.
The meeting was as usual again, with the usual bickering and clash of accents of 8 different people all over the world pouring over their Tele-Con phones. Just the usual show of importance and even the stifiling suspense which really excited me had now become one of those deary chapters in a book, which you were forced to finish since you started it.I am tired, 16years of education to numb my senses and 6 years of work to beat me into submission.Finished earlier than expected, the client succumbed to our pleas and agreed to extend the release date of the code by another month. I just looked at my watch 23:40 glowed the digital.
Walked the way to my car, one of the new ones on the market which I was really exicited about and my first car(should be my last.. if everything goes according to my plan!) Still have another 3years of loan on the car which needs paying up, that does not worry me anymore. I have made up my mind.The rain starts pouring, "Saab, kay aaj jaldi ghar ja rahen hai?'"
The usual plastic smile and nod of my head seems to satisfy the watchman, I guess the only guy who geniunely cares that everybody leaves for home on time and nobody is left behind. Got into the car, and hit the crazy Bangalore streets which are now even worse compounded by the weather. The city is a classic example of "India Shining" campaign, it grew too fast with all the software majors influx and the city's infrastructure which was not able to cope up with this sudden "Big Bang" this city went through. The result, terrible roads with a messy death lurking in every pot hole or the even chance of the roaring truck to mow your vehicle down.I can hear the tinny drumbeat of rain drops as they hit the roof of my car, the ethreal glow of the tachometer on the dashboard. The road was hard to see as the trucks pass me with the muffled roar, and the wipers as they chase eachother on the windshield.
The downpour increased as if keeping up with the tempo of Bob Dylan playing on the stereo. I pull up the car, near a old car shack with a board reading "Siva Sankar Panchar Shap". Its amazing how we Indians automatically adapt to times and have this innate desire to write everything in English. Some of us even chat in the regional tounge keeping up with the script in English. I opened the dashboard to pull out the crumpled Tamil newspaper which contained the marijuana I bought from the peddler near my office yesterday.
Took pains to clean it and seperate the twigs from the leaves in the warm comfort of my car. Emptied out the cigrette taking care to save some tobacco for the joint. Got out and walked over to the now deserted shack and lit it, taking in the first rush of the smoke as it passes into the lungs and the chemical makes it way up to my brain. Thoughts started forming in my head, as I watched the world rush past me. It was not a snap decision, I had been contemplating on it for almost an year now. But, woke up this morning and decided it has to be today. Today, I will go about my business and once back home, I will kill myself.